To paraphrase Danny DeVito in David Mamet’s film Heist, “Everyone loves boobs. That’s why they call ‘em boobs.” And Danny should know; he’s at a height where most large-breasted women could plonk their funbags down on his head and give their lower back a bit of a rest. The women of Boobs XXL’s breasts, however, are so large they’d crush everyones favorite pint-sized thespian, leaving us with Peter Dinklage, who, I’m told, is more of an ass man. Let’s keep the titties afloat, friends, by giving Boobs XXL, a site devoted entirely to the worship of bountiful female chests, our full, undivided attention. Whaddya say?
Now that social networking has overtaken the real world, it shouldn’t surprise anyone to find that it took over the porn industry long ago. Nobody cares about pornstars anymore unless they constantly post their tits on Twitter. Nobody cares about amateurs anymore unless their photos and videos have been collected from their hacked Facebook accounts and stolen SD cards. Unlocked Profiles claims to have collected such content and is willing to show you every slipped nipple, pierced labia, moist asshole, and messy facial, but it’ll cost you.
With the bitterness of your last heated conversation still lingering on your breath, you recall your now-ex-girlfriend and ruminate on your payback possibilities. Needing, as usual, a calming “fap” you set your sights on Exploited Ex GF, a site filled with supposedly stolen photos of supposedly amateur women submitted by (supposedly) their ex-boyfriends. “What a humiliating, yet titillating way to honor a past relationship,” you think. “I just beat off to some guy’s slutbag cumdumpster of an ex and as soon as my upload is done, someone else will be beating off to mine.” Revenge, dear reader, is yours.
Porn is all-too-often a white girl’s game. African-American, Asian, Latina pornstars, as well as those from plenty of other nations, usually find themselves billed third or fourth behind the blonde-haired, blue-eyed All-American harlots that’ve become ubiquitous over the lifetime of the pornographic arts. Club 24 Main Street, however, seeks to change all that by presenting a plethora of beautiful women from all around the world. With names as diverse as Eva, Valentina, Thuy, and, uh, Sandee, there’s plenty of cross-cultural carnality inside Club 24 Main Street and you’d be mad to simply pass it by.
Today’s pornography often seems far too artificial to incite any genuine physical and psychosexual reaction in its audience. Pristinely pruned bodies showing no hair, sets cleaner than the dentists office, sex that’s good for display purposes only…that’s not porn. Mustachioed men with hairy chests and hairier balls fucking each other’s brains out – now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! Hot Gay Classics has reached back into an A/V time machine and pulled some of the best gay porn movies of all time (OF ALL TIME) out of the closet and onto your computer screen. Great job, fellas!
Unless you’re into being restrained, chained, and viciously punished by a dominatrix (or the male equivalent), you probably haven’t ever described a sexual experience as “beautiful agony”. If you follow my advice, though, you’ll soon know exactly why that descriptive terminology is so appropriately thrown at the human orgasm. You’ll watch thousands of faces belonging to both women and men as they experiencing the heights of self-pleasure and orgasm for you, but mostly for themselves. Where will you see all of this, you ask? At one of the ‘net’s most exciting, original, even groundbreaking adult websites and home to a world of masturbatory, orgasmic ecstasy, Beautiful Agony.
So you never get invited to any gala events and have no need of that tuxedo you bought on sale at Goodwill. Quit your cryin’ and man up! What kind of red-blooded male wants to go to opera premieres, a cruise liner launch, or the unveiling of some rare, long thought lost masterpiece by a great artist? Why not try to head to something like Assbangers Ball instead? The women are looser, the fluids flow more freely than champagne, and you’re guaranteed to get laid (albeit vicariously) here at Assbangers Ball. (Plus, the dress code is really lax.)
It seems that some women, usually those who embrace their inner whorishness, adore and crave the attention of many, many men. Well, I suppose it’s not always the men themselves, rather their cocks and what comes out of them. We’re talking jizz whores here and Jizz Whore Party is an online home to many, many women fitting this description. See them suck! See them fuck! See them lose track of who they’re sucking and fucking! See them get covered with enough creamy ejaculate to sink a kayak!