Overview:
So much online pornography has completely failed to live up to those 20-year-old predictions of cybernetic physical stimulation controlled by a sexy young woman half a world away that your virtual reality self is, like, totally nailing right now! Instead we’re inundated with mediocre “reality porn” sites starring pizza delivery guys and silicone-enhanced sluts that leave us wanting some erotic action that feels authentic and connects to us in a very direct way. Long ago, people took matters into their own hands and started furious typing sessions with sexually frustrated strangers, engaging in what we now know as cyber-sex. One thing led to another and technology advanced, bringing us to the invention of the webcam. Nowadays most laptop computers come with an in-built webcam, enabling horny guys and girls the world over to engage in explicit activities in full view of one another. Want to show your long-distance girlfriend how hard her flimsy grasp of the English language gets you? Need impress some lovely Parisian art student by performing the theremin concerto you composed just for her? Feeling like you just want to ogle some real, live chicks and find out what they like to do to keep themselves entertained on a sleety Sunday morning in St. Petersburg? Well, the two first stated activities aren’t things I can really help with; the last, however, can easily be aided by the subject of today’s Mr. Pink review: Private Feeds!

Private Feeds is, quite simply, a webcam website where you can view and participate in sexually focused video transmissions that feature the charming presence of beautiful young women who want to get and keep you hard. Yes, I know there are, like, a bajillion sites like this already online, but Private Feeds, just like all those others, should be considered and critiqued as an individual entity holding ground within the murk and mire of Internet pornography, should it not? Private Feeds’ tour page claims that the site offers its members “1000s of exclusive pictures and Chat [sic] with gorgeous models 24h a day, 7 days a week”. That means there’s a constant stream of webcam chats and image galleries pouring from the site’s servers directly to your unfurnished and untidy Parma Heights-adjacent studio apartment. Non-members are able to browse the site and see what’s on offer, but should they want to actually engage in cam chats both public and private, they’re shit outta luck and will have to fork over some dough for the privilege. Membership fees are extremely low – a basic lifetime membership costs only $1.99; $9.99 for the same but with extra showroom access – but you will be hit up for some pay-per-view minutes later on, so don’t feel too thrilled just yet. You’ll have to temper your intake if you want to make it out of Private Feeds and still maintain the rental payments on your 47” plasma. 

Inside the Private Feeds members’ area, you’ll find a front page filled with model options: a featured online cam show is shown at the top of the page in great detail (text chat logs, large streaming video of the performer et al), while most of the rest of this page is occupied by thumbnail images of each model currently available for chat. These mini-profiles also give the models’ name, age, single most important classification (big tits, blonde, couple, Asian, Tranny et al), and a thermometer graphic intended to show how racy the show is likely to get. (Performers who aren’t afraid to get their hands really dirty have a mostly red thermometer while the more subdued models are mostly green.) Some of the cam shows are now High Definition (“HD”) streams, which supposedly renders them at a higher resolution than others both here and on other sites. A full roster of all models, their scheduled appearance times, and Sophie’s Corner (a blog run by one of the site’s employees) are all accessible via text menus, as is a reasonably detailed search function that allows you to narrow your browsing by a number of selectable criteria.

The vast majority of Private Feeds’ models appear to hail from Eastern and Central European countries, but there’s also a handful of Asian girls thrown in for a bit of variety. Ages range from 18 to 36, which means hardcore MILF fans will have to go elsewhere to get their cyber-rocks off. After having selected an online babe, you’ll begin viewing her open cam show where every other member can watch and listen as she hangs out in front of the camera. She’ll usually be wearing something fairly skimpy but will rarely be completely naked. You can hang out here and talk to her in text format, ignoring what others have to say (“I lyk ur tittz bb!!1” [sic]) if you know what’s good for you. One inside a private show – these shows can bring you anything from female masturbation and lesbian makeout sessions to hardcore ass-dildoing and explicit guy-on-girl sex - you’ll find that your purchased minutes are gobbled up extremely quickly. I started out with $25 credit, entered a private chat with a model and her boyfriend and found my funds dwindling drastically within mere seconds. After sitting in on a pretty decent dick-sucking session for an approximate grand total of two minutes and twenty-one seconds, I was down to less than $9. Private Feeds’ rate table shows that private one-on-one shows range from $2.99 to $5.99 per minute, duo shows are $4.49 to $8.99, and all other shows range between 99c and $4.99. If, perchance, you wanted to spend 15 minutes enjoying the private, personal company of a single young woman who charges the lowest possible rate for a standard one-on-one show, you’d have to make sure your account had $44.85 in reserve. That’s one hell of a hefty fee. In fact, you could probably spend a few dollars more and get a real-life handjob from a hooker in your hometown. Sure, she might not look like Heidi Klum yet be just as pregnant, but the handjob would definitely more exciting than jerking yourself off to a mere video feed. This is where the whole adult webcam enterprise seems a bit iffy, kind of like your new favorite hooker’s cleanliness.

The videos themselves do look pretty decent, although not that much better than what most cam sites seem to be offering. Standard definition videos default to 320x240 pixels and really don’t look all that clear. HD videos, however, look much better at 640x480 even though that isn’t the High Definition quality we were promised. If Private Feeds were to actually reach legitimate HD standards, not only would this reviewer be humbled beyond belief, but that would surely encourage a huge number of visitors to sign up to the site and fork over hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for a few hours of private time. That’s right, Private Feeds webmasters, you too could be repossessing people’s homes and rolling in “da benjamins” if only you threw some legitimately High Definition streams on the site!

Private Feeds, it should be noted, is essentially a clone of Pornication, a site that was a while ago reviewed here at Mr. Pink’s. With that in mind, you, dear reader, should now have sufficient information on which to stake your decision about joining or ignoring Private Feeds. Now, just to top off that little cake of knowledge with the icing of important points. Mmmm… icing!

Pros:
- Models’ cam pages feature bios, profiles, direct email, and a handful of images.

- There are about 100 models online at Private Feeds at any given time.

- Your fellow members tend to be obnoxious, misogynist, illiterate, discourteous buffoons, making you the smartest guy in the room.

- Membership fees are so low they’re almost nonexistent. 

Cons:
- Private Feeds is really damn expensive. Who wants to blow $50 on 20 minutes of long-distance sexual activity that puts you at absolutely no risk of catching anything embarrassing?

- As s clone of Pornication, Private Feeds is about as original as a Charlie’s Angels rerun.

- Your fellow members tend to be obnoxious, misogynist, illiterate, discourteous buffoons, making you, the already established smartest guy in the room, extremely displeased with the way open chats are run with an almost complete lack of moderation.

- Let’s face it; some of these models are highly unattractive.

Conclusion:
Private Feeds will cost you so much money, you’ll be selling your late uncle’s Mr. Natural comics in no time. The site is, in fact, so prohibitively expensive all your humble reviewer could view for research purposes was a measly two cam shows. If you’re the heir to a fortune and don’t ever have to worry about ending up on the streets with no notepad to call your own, let alone access to an open WiFi connection, you might be able to enjoy the Eastern Euro-chicks that adorn the various pages and channels of Private Feeds. If, however, you’re one of us regular working folk, you’d be better off drinking away your sexual frustrations or becoming a peeping tom. Binoculars aren’t that expensive and most cities have a few great vantage points. I hesitate to condone anything truly perverse, but, shit…