Intro:
While his mama knows him as Evan Seinfeld, you’re probably more familiar with this tattooed, bass-playing, hard-livin’ motherfucker as Spyder Jonez or “That guy who’d always dirty up Tera Patrick’s scenes. What are they, married?” It’s true, during some downtime from his band Biohazard, Mr. Seinfeld fell in love with Ms. Patrick and began a career fucking her on video. Soon enough he graduated from porn school and was allowed to fuck other women on camera, too. Co-founding Teravision and Iron Cross Entertainment, Seinfeld started to make a name for himself as something other than Ms. Patrick’s spouse. Good thing, that, since they split not too long ago and he’s been trying to keep his porno fame flame burning ever since. His new website, Rockstar Pornstar, conjures up images of the good old days when Mötley Crüe, Van Halen, and Whitesnake ruled the airwaves and the panties of their female fans. For a word on Rockstar Pornstar, let’s turn to Mr. Seinfeld himself: “I just launched my all-new website Rockstar Pornstar. This is one thing that's just so over the top, people need to go check it out for themselves. I put the fuck in the "I don't give a fuck!” Well, okay then. Whatever that means, I’m sure the site is ample fun. It looks great from the tour page, with lots of flames and tattoos and other “rocking” flourishes, so let’s pay our $14.95 door price, get in the pit and thrash it out with Spyder/Evan/Rockstar Pornstar.

Pros:
Lots of great pornstars, A and B (and even a little C) list, giving great performances. Regardless of whether they’re impressed by Seinfeld’s schtick or not, the chicks he bangs certainly seem to enjoy getting pounded by him. Heather Vahn (a relative newcomer that is doing some great unnoticed work across the Internet) stars in a particular great scene that plays almost like a real rockstar fucking a real groupie.

Seinfeld’s alright. Sure, he’s no Shane Diesel in the pants department, but he knows what he’s doing. Watch him move Asa Akira into a prone doggy-style position and pound her into oblivion. This guy might be ugly, but he can fuck with the best of them.

Some of the scenes are presented in streaming HD resolutions (not downloadable) and look fantastic. Watching Seinfeld fuck his ex-wife in high resolution video is about as exciting as a potential new Biohazard album. Oh, okay; it’s more exciting than that!

Cons:
When Rockstar Pornstar updates it adds an assload of content in one big hit then leaves you wondering when you’ll see your tattooed god of porn again. He loves you and leaves you, this Spyder Jonez character, offering only inconsistent updates that result in a fairly meagre collection of porn; 52 videos and just 12 galleries.

Seinfeld’s newest site recycles content from Rockstar Pimp, his now-MIA former website. Presumably, forthcoming Rockstar Pornstar updates will just be left over Rockstar Pimp scenes. This website is just a repackaging of a dead one, plain and simple.

No interaction with Seinfeld, just a weak little bio page that gives little insight into the man beneath the ink, except to list his hobbies as: “Picking up girls for threesomes with my smoking hot girlfriend, riding motorcycles, driving dangerously fast in my Ferrari, singing Motown music, building hotrods, hiking, getting massaged, Asian hookers, and getting girls phone numbers in the mall.”

Although HD videos are often advertised, there’s no difference between these supposedly High Definition videos and the standard selections which hit a maximum resolution of 720x400 pixels and look decent, but not great and definitely not High Def.

Conclusion:
Hey, Evan Seinfeld, if I was a Gallagher brother, I just might challenge you to good old fashioned fisticuffs. Why? Well, not only do you require an attitude adjustment - “I don’t give a fuck!”; well, what about your fans, dude? - and possible penile extension surgery, but your new site, Rockstar Pornstar, is kind of a joke. You’re just recycling material from your old site, the even more poorly named Rockstar Pimp, and passing it off as new. Not only that but updates are inconsistent and unreliable, your site’s navigation system is almost nonexistent, your band’s official website’s Google search result says “Eat my ass.” Charming. Good thing you pulled some good talent into your makeshift porn studio - although I wish you’d keep your hands off my darling Heather Vahn - because they’re about the only exciting thing Rockstar Pornstar has to offer.