Overview:
British women tend to get an unfair slagging from the various male-led media outlets; at least in regard to their level of attractiveness. Talk of rotten teeth, inadequately supported bosoms, and poorly applied makeup abound, as does the stereotype of the dim-witted but kindly street-walker who calls everyone “love” and “guv’ner” – “Fancy a root, guv’ner? Only cost ya three quid!” Sure, there are women like Helen Mirren and Elizabeth Hurley; women whose hotness knows no bounds and miraculously refuses to diminish with age, but for every one of these there seem to be a dozen mingers who only get laid because of the desperately low standards held by so many young British men. Well, I’m here today to burst that bubble of misconception and bring every one of you, my beloved congregation, a healthy dose of reality. English chicks aren’t as ugly as they’re often made out to be! Yes, it’s true! Don’t believe me, then take a look at Suburban Amateurs, a British website filled with British babes from Kent, Sussex, Lancashire, Gloucester, and anywhere else with a dismal weather forecast and warm beer. 

The women seen on Suburban Amateurs’ tour page, had they been extras in Blur’s video for the hit single Parklife, would surely have been the cute ones that Damon Albarn flirted with between takes. (Dave Rowntree would’ve got the fugly ones.) Their smiles are clean and their skin is clear; what’s more, they seem to love showing off their plentiful physical attributes, shirking the common concern that Brits are prudish. For a perfect description of Suburban Amateurs’ style, why not take it directly from the horse’s mouth? “Our shoots are a lot of fun and very explicit with full strips, insertions, masturbation, pussy spread wide and up close but there's another side to the shoots that's rarely seen and will show you what the girls are really like. Inside you'll find our behind the scenes videos and candid photos, giving a unique fly on the wall view from some of our shoots that you won't see anywhere else...” And to think I was shunning England as a possible vacation destination in favor of Eastern Europe and South America! If the girls on this website are any indication and what my Londoner friends promised me was true – that all young English people are “up for it” – then I just might have to forgive the them for East Enders and hit up our Coalition of the Willing compatriots for a good ol’ chinwag. Having been online for seven years, Suburban Amateurs can claim to hold 280,000 photos and 420 videos starring 232 models and nobody would have any reason to suspect deceit or misrepresentation. The photo and video previews give you a great peek inside the site, but nothing could compare to actually being there. So let’s take this virtual tube train to English pussy heaven; who’s with me?

With a layout and design that perfectly mirrors the preview (or “freeview”) area, the members’ home page brings ample information to your attention in a clean and concise way. A menu bar sits at the top of the page and directs your mouse clicks to the most desirable portions of the site – Home, Blog, Calendar, Favourites (note the English spelling – anglophile ed.), Models, Photos, Movies, Bonus Sites, Forum, and a few other less notable destinations. Recent photo updates are displayed next on the home page and judging by the posted dates, a new gallery arrives about four or five times a week. Videos are added in much the same manner although usually slightly less frequently – two to four times a week seems to be the case most of the time. A quick look at the Photos and Movies pages prove that the content counts were extremely accurate; there are currently 420 videos, 1949 galleries and with 150-odd pics each; the touted total of 280,000 images seems pretty spot on. Navigating your way around the various parts of Suburban Amateurs is a cinch; the search function is especially useful, giving you a keyword search, category list, and the option to show only photo or video content. The model index is very useful, as expected on an amateur site, and shows you the fairly wide variety of women who’ve decided that posing nude is for them. A strong amateur feel runs though the entire roster, with only a very small percentage of the women appearing so naturally unsuited to modeling that you’ll be turned off. Still, that’s largely dependent on your own personal taste, which is always a fickle thing. I can easily say, however, that the vast majority of models are “stunners”, mate!

After taking your time to sample the coterie of cuties, deciding on the most enticing should be a relatively easy task. After all, you can’t really go wrong when most of the women are gorgeous yet manage to retain that air of attainability. Once you’ve selected a photo gallery, you’ll find the standard thumbnail page laid out before you. A zipped archive of every shot is also available, should you want to save the whole set for later viewing. Pics reach resolutions of 853x1280 and 1333x2000 pixels. Yep, they’re available in both sizes in most cases, which is great news. The zips are only available in the highest resolution option, which isn’t really a problem, just a slight annoyance. 

Videos come to you in a trio of downloadable formats and one streaming Flash offering that comes through clear and smooth. Downloads give you DivX, MP4, and WMV files that reach resolutions of 720x540, 480x320, and 720x540 pixels respectively. All three look quite good, with vivid colors and generally strong soundtracks. It would be nice to see some HD content that really shows off England’s best babes, but you won’t be using your Kleenex for crying about the current quality, that’s for sure. Server speeds are usually very good and allow you to save files without too much thumb twiddling or frequent overnight transfers. All this is well and good, but if the girls simply sit back and talk about how much they fancy Russell Brand, it’ll all be for naught. Thankfully, they do anything but. These gorgeous British lasses are about as horny as any you might’ve met Sateside, and they’re more than willing to seduce you with a sultry striptease, pull out of well familiar toy and pleasure themselves right before your eyes. Whether dressed in their actual everyday outfits, a school uniform, sensual thigh-high stockings, or an evening gown, all they want is to entertain you and get off in the process. While there’s no hardcore content on Suburban Amateurs - for that you’ll have to visit Suburban Sluts – these girls definitely give softcore a harder edge than most young amateur models, really taking their masturbatory exercises seriously. Great stuff!

All members receive free access to half-a-dozen bonus sites, all of British origin. Viv Thomas Videos and Viv Thomas Photos may not be the most imaginatively named sites, but they present all original content from the so named pornographer whose reputation precedes him. UK Amateur Galleries and UK Amateur Hardcore give you exactly what you’d expect. One Eyed Jack Videos shows the titular horndog roaming around filming amateur couples fucking all around the British Empire. Suburban Sluts, which I mentioned earlier, is dedicated to hardcore content that shows just how badly so many of these sheilas need a good, strong root. Access to all of this content will cost you $29.95 each month (recurring) or $34.95 if you only want to try out a single month. Would you be better off spending said funds on some DVD box sets of Yes, Minister and Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em? Slip on your galoshes and button up your duffel coat, ‘cause we’re about to find out once and for all.

Pros:
- There’s a big collection of all original, exclusive content online at Suburban Amateurs.

- Updates are added rather frequently.

- Downloads came across from the servers at a great speed.

- You won’t find many mingers here, guv’na. Most of these birds are simply tops – and listen to those accents!

Cons:
- Older content doesn’t offer the same quality as the newest stuff.

- The Blog page doesn’t really offer any interesting or revealing content and merely lists the updates.

- The photo to video ratio could use some tightening up. There are more than twice as many galleries as video scenes.

Conclusion:
As far as British porn goes, my experience is rather limited. I haven’t seen enough to be by any means an expert, but I’ve certainly ogled a few wannabe Page Three birds in my time. What Suburban Amateurs offers is infinitely preferable to hunting around for pics of Lindsay Dawn McKenzie’s ridiculously oversized tits. With a plethora of babes getting down to business (read: masturbating) for your viewing pleasure, Suburban Amateurs shows us the seedy and sexy underside of everyday English society by way of great photo and video content. Aside from adding more videos more regularly and considering a re-energizing redesign in the future, there’s little Suburban Amateurs’ webmasters need to do to improve the site. Keep going, mates. You’re onto a good thing!